i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
