I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
