I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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