either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize