You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
