I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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