It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
