im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
