That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize