she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Congratulations! We have a period
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