I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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