She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How does one acquire holy water?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
