Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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