She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
