i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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