update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just found a bag of teeth...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
