Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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