God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i dont even know how to be here
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
