I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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