Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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