He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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