Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
