It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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