things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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