One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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