My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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