I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
