so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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