I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
