New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
