i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I touched a dick in church today
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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