My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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