Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize