Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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