i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
