yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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