I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
