Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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