Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
