I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
