why didn't you poke me back
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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