I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
