So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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