I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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