i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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