When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
