mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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