did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
