Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
