i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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