508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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