dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just want to make out with him forever
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
