bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize