Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
