1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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